Companioning self Collapse
Expectations, limitations and demands 2020 a self-exploration through mapping.
The beginning of COVID and lockdown was, for me, a time of turbulence and uncertainty. I went through a period of inertia and stuckness. Although I could intellectualise and justify why I might feel like this, the stuckness was a problem as I had practicum as well as work commitments to fulfil. In order to help me understand what was happening and what I might do about it, I adapted the modality of mapping. This is a sharing of my process.
Mapping a pattern of emotional experiencing at a time when I was feeling stuck and despondent.
A reduction of experience to key words and themes.
Sensations Behaviours Emotions
Dark Distraction Fed Up/ Angry
Tight Busyness disappointed
Stuck Shut down Sad
Heavy Lots of ideas Fearful
Pressure Resistance Shame
Tight
Suffocating
Can’t breathe
Can’t move
Collapse
Stepping back into multimodality I capture the quality of the experience through a 3D representation using materials that reflect the sensing……there’s a sticky stuck feeling, like I have so much disappointment closing in on me. I feel it’s heaviness all over my body and I cannot move. Disappointment seems the dominating emotion here. Inertia the behaviour.
As I position my representation, it literally falls over, unable to hold this weight on its own*. (*content in process)
Clarity emerges through a thematic statement and I begin to realise what values and needs I am not fulfilling in this experiencing.
When I feel disappointed by others and things out of my control
I feel sad and angry at myself (and others)
Then I try to fix things by myself (as I can’t rely on others*) (default pattern of experiencing*)
As a result, I get overwhelmed with tasks, expectations and ideas
I disconnect.
And nothing gets done.
There’s already a lightness to my experiencing upon this knowing.
In uncovering the current burden, it makes more sense, and I can now move toward doing something about it.
Preferred way of being
When I extend compassion, rather than anger and despair, toward my feelings of disappointment
I feel more accepting of the situation (and things I cannot change).
As a result, my energy becomes more open and shifts from stuckness to movement
I become present to experience, focus and get things done (including reaching out to others).
The MIECAT procedure of mapping is multimodal which assists the mind-body connection. The focus is on the qualities of experiencing. The exploration is then reduced to the main themes/conflicts and experience. A reduction may manifest in sound or gesture. A thematic statement reflects the experience, and may expose a common response to similar situations. A preferred way of being can then be uncovered and changes made accordingly.
I wonder if Mulitmodal mapping might help you understand what your patterns of emotional experiencing are and what is lying beneath feelings or behaviours that are not serving you at the moment. I wonder what difference that understanding makes in your capacity to action change?
After this exploration/inquiry I found I was able to diminish my expectations and get on with the work I had to do in order to complete this year of work and study. The heaviness and uncertainty in the air remained, but I felt lighter and more open around it.
Please note everyone’s process and meaning making will be different. This is an example of a process I used to help me in this situation. It is my experience, it is neither right or wrong, it is as unique and valid as is yours.
